I believe dating is slowly causing my heart to harden as I’m constantly being pulled through a kaleidoscope of emotions. On-line dating usually boosts my self-confidence with email after email is received. Unfortunately there are times when it can be a blow to my ego as I patiently wait for his response. Each passing minute causes self-doubt to creep into my mind with the hope of finding “the one” quickly being chipped away.
I try to shrug off periods of silence telling myself over and over that its really his loss if he decides not correspond. Yes, this is my mantra as I try to protect my heart and avoid another heart break. “Been there, done that, and I really do not want to do it again” is my second mantra. Yet, can’t everyone say that? The strong continue to play the game making the most out of the experience and always remaining optimistic – always holding onto hope.
Instead of being strong, I remain guarded keeping my hope tucked safely behind the wall I’ve erected around my heart. The excitement I use to have when logging onto Match.com is slowly dimming. I flounder in dread reading each email and searching for their hidden agenda. Why can’t I be a be strong and hopefully? Why can’t I take each email as a standalone opportunity? A guy should not be tainted by a handful of bad experiences.
And so I push my mental debate to the side and sit tall in my chair before reading another email. An email I’ve seen numerous times – I like your profile; we seem to have a lot in common: I would like to get to know you. I focus on the black and write avoiding the gray. I take a deep breath letting it out slowly wrapping hope around me and thinking that perhaps this time it will be different. And with that glimmer of new found courage, I type my response.